Unintended Consequences

“Behind the Badge”        “Unintended consequences”

By Joseph Pangaro                      Part ONE of a two part article

Domestic Violence in our society is a large and growing problem. In the last 25 years the spot light has been pointed directly at the problem, yet it continues without any apparent end in sight. Police officers receive constant updates and training on handling these crimes. The courts have a great sensitivity to these problems and we are more aware then ever of the damage caused to our communities by this specific type of violence. 

In the last few weeks we have seen several high profile domestic violence incidents that ended in the death of both the victim and the perpetrator. This is known as the murder-suicide. The sad fact of the matter is that domestic violence is a very fertile ground for these types of killings.

Law enforcement professionals everywhere have tried to understand how we can lift the fog and see the signs before these crimes are committed. We ask what type of anger must there be to turn a loving relationship into a violent one. At some point the victim and the perpetrator professed their undying love for one another. They made plans for the future, they started families and they marched into the future hand in hand. Then, in many cases, only a few short years later the love is replaced with arguments, control issues, money problems, stress, alcoholism and violence.

The relationship dynamic is many faceted and therefore not easily put into a box. As anyone in a long term relationship knows; to keep the relationship fresh and viable both partners must constantly work at it. This is true for all relationships regardless of who is included in the relationship.

When problems come to the surface how people deal with them often dictates how they solve the problems or escalate them. In many instances these problems morph into arguments, hurt feelings and violent actions. On the far end of the spectrum is the Murder-Suicide.

I have often tried to see how the system we have in place either helps in these problem situations or makes things worse. After years of interviewing both victims and perpetrators from all types of relationships including; gay, straight, married, unmarried, common law marriages and dating relationships there is a string that connect them. The feeling of powerlessness often leads to violence.

When one partner begins to make independent decisions or take independent actions within or outside the parameters of the relationship the other partner can feel jealous, angry and spiteful. The reasons for these independent moves doesn’t matter, but are usually a symptom of someone moving away from the relationship for any number of reasons including; a realization that they are no longer in love with the partner, they found someone else, they have experienced personal growth, the relationship is not healthy or any  other number things.

The partner that is not moving away and is a realistic person in a healthy mind frame usually reacts in one of several ways; they want to talk out the problems and try to save the relationship, they accept the change and prepare to move on, or they allow it to happen and experience a sense of loss.

The unhealthy person on the other hand usually reacts much more strongly and negatively. This is where the violence can come in. Some of these examples are; demanding the other partner abandon their new pursuits, friends, and activities. They put ultimatums into the equation, or they threaten and or act violently. If the partner doesn’t give in and obey, the effect of powerlessness can now effect the demanding partner. Powerlessness demands one of two reactions. Acceptance or aggressive action to reclaim power, this is dangerous territory.

At this point their partner moves into the category of victim; that doesn’t mean they are weak, it means they are now in danger. The actions of the negative person that involve demanding or violent behavior have to be stopped.

When the system intervenes, the first step in that intervention is normally the police being called for an argument, threat or assault, both parties enter a new world. Depending on what took place someone may get arrested. That heightens the tensions. If the couple takes advantage of any of the many counseling options that are usually offered in domestic violence situations they can; stop the violence, save the relationship, end the relationship, or come to understandings they can live with.

If they do not take advantage of these counseling options the violence can escalate, more criminal charges and financial burdens can be accrued and no resolutions are reached. When you add children and or financial obligations to the situation the potential for violence increases many times over.

“Behind the Badge”        “Unintended Consequences”

By Joseph Pangaro                    Part TWO of the article

As discussed in part one of this article, the reasons the danger in a relationship increase when you have strife, anger, and pain and you add children of money to the equation are pretty obvious. As sad as it is people will often use their children as pawns. Ask any police officer and they can tell you countless tales of people using their kids against each other. This can include telling the kids half truths or outright lies about the other partner with the intent to turn the kids against the partner. The purpose of this is to inflict pain on the on the partner. Another ploy is to prevent one parent from being with their child by withholding visitation. Some parents, and that includes men and women will purposely ignore court orders, or make the visitation so difficult to the other partner that it creates a great sense of frustration and anger. This is a weapon people use when they want revenge, want to inflict pain on the other person or feel powerless to do anything else to control the situation

Money is another cause of problems. It is expensive enough to run one household let alone two. When partners split up the courts will sometimes order one partner to pay the expense of the other in addition to their own. This can go on for a long period of time. When the paying partner complains they may or may not get the relief they are requesting from the courts. When they  believe they have legitimate reasons for relief and do not get it, the level of frustration can grow exponentially.

As you can imagine these situations are a powder keg and a recipe for disaster. As a police officer we are often called in to bring order to this anger, frustration, pain and hurt. Often there is not much we can do to make a situation right or instill justice, we can only ensure no one gets hurt.

The relationships that end violently, like the ones we see on the news, usually gave some indications that the volcano was going to explode. When a person reaches that boiling point, the point of no return; when their powerlessness reaches critical mass everyone involved is in danger. These types of people often strike out at any and all the people they think did them wrong. In most cases they only manage to get to one or a few of their targets. Usually it’s the spouse or partner. Some may tell people or leave notes describing their frustration and anger as well as a declaration that if they cannot have the relationship or the person of their desire they will decide to kill themselves and take that person with them. We see this scenario played over and over again.

As a police officer who has investigated domestic violence killing I have to wonder what else we can do to prevent these needless tragedies. What is it as a society we can recognize and take action on. What can our courts do to help these people in crisis. And what can we as the friends, family and associates of people living in these relationships do to prevent such horror and pain.

I don’t have all the answers, maybe not even some of them, but I know that we cannot sit back and ignore these situations when we become aware of them. If you know someone who is involved in a domestic violence situation, suggest they get some help. If they won’t get help on their own make an anonymous call to your local police and let them know what’s going on. If someone is violent or suffering violence all the more reasons to take some action. Be sure though that I do not mean you should put yourself into the problem or in danger. Actively getting involved in someone else’s relationship is not usually a good idea. Provide support and counsel if you can, suggest ways for the victim to get help and make some calls for them if you can, but standing between two warring people is dangerous. Call the police for that, we are trained to handle it.

Children as the silent sufferers in these situations and often get lost in the battles. Keep them in mind. If you know a child is in a violent home, tell someone, tell a teacher or a cop. We can’t solve peoples life problems but we can activate the systems that are in place to help them.     

In a final thought; a domestic violence murder-suicide is the polar opposite of the love, trust and good will found at the start of a relationship. The destruction and pain is powerful, but never as powerful as love and understanding. We must do more.

Let me know what you think.